Recently several friends have encouraged me to move to California. This is a list that will end up explaining why I’ll never do that (unless, you know, I do).
1. Number of times I have been racially profiled by police in my life: 2
2. Number of times I have been racially profiled by police in California: 2 -903 points
3. Weeks of my life I have spent in California: 8, roughly.
4. Weeks of my life I have spent everywhere else: 26.5 years minus 8 weeks.
5. Number of times I have been horribly sunburned: 2
6. Number of times I have been horribly sunburned in California: 1 -5 points
7. Three Strikes Rule -112 points
8. The most racists who don’t think they are racists per capita (this is based of circumstantial evidence I nonetheless stand by) -59 points
9. A plurality of residents are raging homophobes (most are also racists) – 18 points
10. I do love the San Francisco Giants. +39 points
11. I have lots of family members in California. +50 points
12. I have lots of family members in California -45 points
13. Orange County is in California -15 points
14. Big Sur is in California +20 points
15. Lake Tahoe is in California -45 points (there is a warrant out for my arrest there and it basically sucks if you don’t ski)
16. LA is in California -31 points (Fuck the Lakers, Double Fuck the Dodgers, Hollywood is probably full of the worst people in the world this side of Arizona)
17. Burritos +37 points
18. I have many good friends in the Bay Area +30 points
19. Most of the native-SFers I met when I visited who weren’t self-selecting Macalester students I already knew were massive pricks (i take comfort in drawing mass generalizations and extrapolations from limited but memorable experiences). -24 points
20. Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Ward Connerly, everyone in Orange County -347 points
Sorry kids! Looks like California is out!